Surviving childhood narcissistic abuse

"Death by a thousand cuts"

A common form of childhood narcissistic abuse involves numerous subtle conflicts instigated by a caregiver to maintain control or gain narcissistic supply. These subtle conflicts make it difficult to pinpoint and name the abuse for what it is. This can cause confusion and deliberate distortion of reality for the victim.

Narcissistic abuse involves deliberate emotional abandonment, manipulation, and the withholding of affection by a parent or caregiver. Cold or uncaring behaviors are used as punishment and as a means to control the child and elicit desired behaviors.

Some other tactics of narcissistic abuse include the silent treatment, parental rage, attacks on the child’s self-worth, lying or distorting the truth, and blaming the child to instill shame and guilt.

Children of narcissists report living their lives on "eggshells" and feeling confused about reality and their lives. Deliberate distortion of reality through lies also known as "gaslighting", can be a large part of narcissistic household.

Growing up in this type of environment means enduring years and years of "slow burn" abuse, leading to the erosion of self worth and mental health. Sometimes, this low level chronic emotional abuse is paired with other forms of more obvious outward abuse (physical, sexual or neglect). Sometimes it's not. Regardless, many adult children of narcissists develop symptoms of complex post traumatic stress disorder or some version of long term psychological pain.

Common symptoms of Complex PTSD resulting from narcissistic abuse may include:

• Flashbacks and nightmares: Reliving traumatic experiences associated with the abuse.

• Hypervigilance: Feeling constantly on alert, waiting for “the other shoe to drop” or the next crisis to occur.

• Exaggerated startle response: Feeling anxious or “jumping” in reaction to loud noises or sudden movements.

• Dissociation: Feeling detached from one’s emotions or body.

• Avoidance behaviors: Steering clear of situations, places, or people (such as family gatherings or large crowds) that trigger memories of the abuse.

• Difficulty with trust and intimacy: Avoiding close relationships due to fear of betrayal or harm.

• Emotional dysregulation: Experiencing intense, uncontrollable emotions such as chronic sadness, anger, or fear.

• Distorted perception of the abuser: Remaining preoccupied with the relationship, idealizing or vilifying the narcissist, or fantasizing about revenge.

• People-pleasing and overperformance: Seeking approval, struggling to set boundaries, and feeling unable to say “no.”

• Chronic guilt or shame: Feeling “different,” defective, or as though one doesn’t fit in.